Many arts and much fortune

I'm having a little crisis of identity this morning. 

I got caught up in needing to deliver value, a lesson, a report of some kind. 

And yet, that's not my job right now. 

I don't know how long it will take me to get over being seen, even on this invisible platform, where I just need to push publish daily. 

I think that the posts can be too short.  too long.  too personal.  not personal enough. 

I think that no one needs to read a post on why it's hard to talk about our work;  how it's hard to be seen, even just by ourselves.   Why not let the digital journal fill with time, let it stack evidence that in fact we are ok and remember all this is art.  

Back to the beauty.   I wandered thru the garden barefoot waiting for my 2nd pour over to finish.  I should have been wearing shoes because the cottonwood bud covers are on the ground and stick to my feet and are a pain to wash off.  

The early spring peony is starting to open on the morning sun facing side.  The service berry is in full bloom and the spruce tips are starting to drip abundantly from the branches.   The may day trees are in full flower and the scent, paired with the muskiness of the new cottonwood leaves is the real smell of spring that I want to wear year round. 

It's easy for me to talk about the garden.  About being outside and hide within the literal explosion of growth and visible time.  To let this shield my vulnerabilities of my other thoughts and projects.  The garden is my escape hatch and also it is one of my arts.  I have many arts and I am lucky as well as overwhelmed by this fortune.

I'm not aimlessly looking at the garden.  This is the whole point really of being in nature I think; to look. And also to listen and if we're lucky to taste and smell and touch.  We are animals, and we use all our senses to pay attention to our surroundings.  We are looking for patterns; noticing changes.  Yes, of course enjoying the flowers but also tracking the readiness of food and medicine plants.   What other animals are nearby?  

My brain makes lists as I wander.  I wonder if the chive flowers going to bloom.  I need to eat more sea lovage before it gets too tough.  It's time to harvest some burnet and lettuce leaves.  This is the year that I will peel cow parsnip and make soup with it.  Look at all the dandelion roots I still need to harvest before they go to flower.  I'm not harvesting dandelion flowers this year - I still have plenty from last year.  The indigo plants need water.  I need to water the gardens before I go to work.  It was supposed to rain this week, but so far nothing.  I need to pinch the cosmos... should I pinch the coreopsis too?  I'm glad the artichoke is settling in.  The lavender plants survived the winter again, but they are struggling.  These hops are getting huge.

And... I have dandelion roots and horseradish to process.  Juniper cones and spruce tips too.  Also, physical therapy and strength training.  Also, meal planning.  Also family and pets and laundry.... and also my paid work, volunteering and creative practices ...  none of this is special, but they require care and attention too.   

I also just need to name these other arts.  You have many arts too.    

And so.  I think I am just trying to witness myself on this Monday morning.  Witness myself try not to berate myself for my fatigue and 'lack of progress' yesterday and almost giving in to all or nothing thinking today, I just want to see myself grow.  Get better at pushing publish.  Get better at digging out what it is I'm trying to say.  To prove it to myself that I can share my work and practice in public.  

For support, I'm re-listening thru all of 'botanical studies of internet magic' by Kening Zhu.  

Love Oona